it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Nice pumpkins!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
You're just my cup of tea!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.