What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
I came here looking for a little tail.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
To get to the other tide.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!