“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
I read dead people.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!