What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?