I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
How much will $20 get me?
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I'm Claus-trophobic.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?