"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!