Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr