I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.