What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
I'd drink your bathwater.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.