Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.