Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel