“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
Can February March? No. But April May.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.