"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.