A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Water you doing?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!