When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!