What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
You read, white, and blew my mind.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
"Love the wine you're with."
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall