Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Case in punt
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider