.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Don't fork-get your manners.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.