If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”