Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
I know Benjamin Franklin.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
I think we need to become better strangers.