What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
We’re a perfect mash.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
I’m feelin’ pine.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
I think we're mint to be!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
You are pitcher perfect.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)