Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.