"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.