As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
My fridge is hotter than you.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
I perform best when I’m wet.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave