Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I followed my heart to you.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
You’re my soul Santa.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington