What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I scored when I met you.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.