Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.