How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Dublin’ the fun.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.