What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el

I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.

Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."

"You crack me up."

Promise you won’t Char-leave?

What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown

One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.

The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

Can I be Candide with you?

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous

Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.

I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.

When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match

What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!

Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.

What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.

Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.

For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.

A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham

I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be

“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

Thin grippy thick slippery.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”

- Andy Richter.

How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.

Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing