I'd start a revolution for your number.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.