Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.