My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
You sleigh me.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
You are one well-defined function!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
We have great chemis-tree.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."