Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.