What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
I love you dairy much.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.