You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.