Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.