I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
“The road to success is always under construction.”
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble