“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
It was mitten in the stars.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.