I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
You’re my heartthrob.
It was mitten in the stars.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Pugs and kisses.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
We bee-long together.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!