What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
You mermaid to go far.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.