I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
You’re right up my alley.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!