What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
"On cloud wine."
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?