Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.