Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.

Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!

I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.

What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun

Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.

What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”

- Ralph Bus.

The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.

I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: (Groan)

Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!

In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.

If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.

What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.

For you, I would slay two Goliaths.

You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship

What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier

49. What does a child car play with?

Toy-otas.

What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"

Pugs and kisses.

How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.

What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.

What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.

“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”

It’s Fall coming back to me now.

Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

I like big books and I cannot lie.

“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver

Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt

What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.

How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?

Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.

If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.

What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!

Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.

What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”