The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
I want you. I knead you.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.