Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.