My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I beg your garden?
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
You had me at cello.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
Are you squiding me right now?
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!