My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
"No eggs-cuses."
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.