I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Irish you were beer.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.