No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Better read than dead.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”