What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
You’re as sweet as Pi.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
You’re unbeleafable.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.