Man is Fatally Slain.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.