Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan