Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
You should see what I can do with ice.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.