You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
The goal nine yards
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.