Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown

Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp

The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.

“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Adulting makes me wine."

Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.

Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.

My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?

What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.

If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.

What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”

"I've found some bunny to love."

Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.

What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."

- Marilyn Monroe

The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown

What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!

Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.

Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.

What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.

Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.

“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”

My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!

"You're a real good egg."

“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright

“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison

I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.

Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.

I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!

What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong

Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.

What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.

Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.

Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.

Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.