Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.