Let's Taco about love.

Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

Too bad, if only I’d gnome!

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.

What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.

If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.

How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!

I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"

"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx

“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”

How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.

A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”

Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.

Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.

Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.

I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.

What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”

The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.

“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner

Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.

My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.

What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.

Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What is brown and sticky?
A stick!

Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.

Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson

Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.

Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!

The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.

What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"

When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.