The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Want to become my new personal best?
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I’m soy
into you.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
Permission to board?
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”