Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.

Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!

Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.

What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.

In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.

How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.

Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.

SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.

I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.

How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.

Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.

Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!

"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown

What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.

Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.

What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.

What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!

Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.

How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.

When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Hurricane

Hurricane who?

Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?

What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."

Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.

What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.

A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!

Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.

I'm on a hunt - for your number.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.

“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.

The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.

Can you teach me how to use this machine?

What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo