Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Water you doing?
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
You knead me in your loaf.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.