Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Fairies just wand to have fun.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
You're my purr-son.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson