"Oh, sweet child of wine."
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Ah! The element of surprise.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.