I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Seed between the lines.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.