What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.