Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Look for a rainbow connection.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
I find my core strength in you.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty