What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
"Yoda one for me."
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.